Pinecone Adventure

portraits

I remember sitting in the living room with a very newborn Henry one lonely afternoon, wondering what on Earth I was going to do that day. It's chilling thinking back to how helpless I felt as a new mom, disturbing to think that there were days that seemed hollow when now the days are filled with made up words of joy and high pitched squeals of laughter. So on this particular day I realized that it had been awhile since I took pictures of him and I felt relieved that I had finally thought of a useful activity.

I dressed him up in an adorable outfit and propped him up on the boppy and snapped about 100 pictures with the digital camera. I promptly uploaded them and created captions and sent off the link to friends and relatives. And then I sat back and viewed them more slowly for myself. Post partum depression is an ugly thing. For my first few months with Henry it seemed to suck out my happy energy. I felt like a fat lump of guilt and resentment...anger was the only emotion that seemed to surface. It would rise from my belly and get caught in my throat and stay there until all I could think to do about it was cry.

Sometimes it would take looking at pictures of Henry for my throat lump to melt away. Gosh, he was beautiful! So photogenic! And he's mine, wow! Taking pictures became an addiction. I was looking at my life on the computer much the same I would look at the life of a celebrity. I can't believe how disconnected I was!

But this is not an entry about post partum depression or my journey to get through it. It's about how I am learning to put down the camera. I am learning that some memories will be immortal in my heart and don't always have to be printed and framed for them to be memorable. I've probably wasted more time behind a lens waiting for a first smile, a first laugh, a first anything when I could have been watching with both eyes, and fully present.

I've been slacking

Actually, I've been busy. Busy chasing Henry. He just had his first birthday party and I can't help but constantly reflect on how much he has grown and developed. When I make him laugh I want to explode with happiness and when he reaches for me and says, "Mama" everything else in the world around me dissolves.

Summer is almost here and the days are taking off. I want to drink it all up.