Craziest night ever

I finally have time and the content with which to publish a decent post! Of course, I'm sure Henry will awaken around the third sentence and I'll be forced to finish this later. All the more reason to not be long winded as Erik calls me and get on with the story.

We were meeting to celebrate our friend K's completion of her PhD program and the last time we were at ONE (by the way, I don't know if all three letters are supposed to be capitalized or not, I just like it that way) there was a kickass DJ and only a handful of people present, making it an ideal place for us moms to get our dance on. However, last night the place was packed and we were intimately seated next to a table of about six older couples. And by older I mean they were most likely senior citizens. They appeared curious of us and asked my friend, S, about all the drinks and food being brought to our table. There was wine, lemon drops, calamari...we were totally getting hooked up thanks to G's connections! Soon we were sufficiently liquored for dancing and we left our coats and purses at the booth and began to dance. Suddenly, one of the female senior citizens was lurking around our belongings. Suspecting a clepto, K went over to check it out. Instead of the suspected robbery, there was actually a note written on a linen napkin. It read:

"God help your unborn child. You are already an unfit mother!!"

I've never felt blood actually boil under my skin before. But then again, nobody had actually ever had the balls to say something like to me or my friends. Most insults I can handle but that was just the craziest shit I have ever heard of because a) nobody at our table was pregnant b) even if you think maybe something looks perhaps, a little pregnant, who the f--- assumes it and feels that strongly that they are right that they have to ink up a linen napkin?

We confronted the senior citizens and they oddly denied it and then got up to leave. That wasn't good enough for K and G and they ran them over with K's Cadillac in Ryan's Alley. Actually, they confronted one of the females again and got some sort of vague apology, that their friend was "sure" one of us was pregnant. Right.

So the dancing recommenced but I wasn't feeling it this time. I guess I expect that a place that like would always be a little pretentious or else it wouldn't be cool for people to go there but this time it was a bit over the top. A lot of sparkles and sequin dresses and weird looks from people that would just stand on the dance floor and act cool. I was feeling out of place which is sad because as we were leaving the DJ was playing a mix of Silence with Delerium and Sarah Mac that I've never heard before. As we left, I saw a VERY obviously pregnant woman was walking in. Weird.

The night had to end in a better place so went across the street to Daisy Dukes. (There was some irony there.) Holy hell...I've never been there! What a place! There are just no words but hilarious comes close. We all had to ride the mechanical bull. I was feeling pretty good about it since I rode horses most my life and have had a few rodeo type incidents with green horses. I was able to stay on pretty long but I had no idea how hard I was gripping until today when the bruises on the inside of my legs appeared.

Cheers to Dr. K!!!!!

Time to bring it back

I miss blogging.  

Why is a nap so difficult?

Nap time is a mom's favorite time of day. For anywhere between one and three hours, it's MY time. The daily nap routine goes something like this. Milk, some time in the rocking chair and then into the crib fast asleep. Today is one of those occasions where before I can creep out the door of his room, he awakens and begins to scream. My heart drops. The fate of my afternoon becomes uncertain. Will he EVER sleep now? Will I be destined to cater to the whim of a grumpy, tired toddler until bedtime? Sometimes there are tears...from me that is. Sometimes it's no big deal. Sometimes it just means I get to go to Target at 2pm instead of 4pm. But today, I'm pissed. I can hear him in the crib making little noises, the kind of noises that indicate he won't be falling alseep any time soon. Which means I'm in for a hellacious afternoon.

Caffeinated Thoughts

This is why people need coffee to function. I truly feel my best after my morning cup of coffee. My mood brightens, I'm much less snippy and the ideas start flowing like breastmilk. Then there is my problem of time which stifles everything. What idea/project can come first when there are things to do like writing in this blog? (kidding) But seriously, I get a 2-3 hour window of time during the day when I can do whatever I want and I SHOULD be constructive and do launry and dishes but instead it's like a genie busted out of a lamp and said, "Yenni, I can see you've have had a hard and busy morning, I will now grant you three magical hours to just do whatever YOU want to do!" And let me tell you, laundry and dishes is not on my list of favorites.

So I guess I need to learn how to proritize. Never my strongest characteristic.

Raspberry Picking

He wanted to run EVERYWHERE!
He got dirt on his hands and wiped on his shirt like I taught him!
The tractor ride is the best part.

Henry's First Haircut

To market

Came home today with some beautiful flowers from the market. There was a ton of produce but when the vendors stand there smoking over their "fresh" fruits and vegetables...it just turns me off. Call me crazy. So I'll go to the organic market tonight where people actually care about breathing.

I'm mildly obsessed about our upcoming vacation. I keep making animal sounds for Henry and wishing we could do some kind of farm activity to get revved up but it's been raining so my plans have been foiled.

Tomorrow begins an entire weekend of working. Ugh!

Navel Idea

As I often think in images, I was thinking about how it feels to be a mom and related it to being yanked around by a rope tied to my heart all day long.  Somehow that made me think of the umbilical cord and how I've really lost sight of how important his little belly button once was.  That little landmark of a body part represents how we were once literally attached but now stands independent and thriving away from me.  However, emotionally, he has a noose around my heart and I'm inclined to follow him around all day long, for better or for worse and take care of him.  Even when I TRY to ignore him and pee in peace or sleep an extra hour in the morning and sneak away to check an email...he tugs at our imaginary lifeline and I'm back at his disposal.  

Today we were in the car on our way to my mom's house and we were at a light just listening to the radio.  In the two minutes we had been in the car I hadn't heard a peep out of him so I turned to look at him and smiled.  He flashed me back a huge smile, like we had just shared a private joke.  I love being attached.

Planning a vacation

It became apparent we need a getaway...just the three of us. No family waiting for us at our destination, no friends to coordinate time with. Just. Us. Disney in late August wasn't too appealing and I found myself craving something different, something familiar. I did some googling and stumbled upon the perfect vacation for us...a farm vacation.

We are staying at a working farm bed and breakfast where roosters will wake us in the morning and we get to go out and collect eggs for breakfast and Henry can pet the kittens or feed the goats and Erik and I can sip orange juice on the porch rocking chairs. Lancaster county has so much to offer...one of the main points being the Strasburg Railroad which always happens to be home of the biggest Thomas the Tank Engine stores ever. PERFECT for Henry.

We are also planning on going to the Dutch Wonderland...it's a small-ish theme park with a water play area.

I'm looking forward to REALLY dark nights with lots of stars and letting the sound of crickets lull me to sleep. The same experiences I had on my grandparent's dairy farm will be so fun to share with Henry as he grows up.

Future pitcher

Once he discovered he could throw, he's been training his arm ever since. Erik has declared him a left-hander but I've seen him switch on and off. He's best at throwing his food. At the end of breakfast there is little floor visible underneat the pieces of waffle and banana. Now pieces are making it into the hallway.

He just started being able to throw a ball overhand too!

Uh-oh

He has perfected the uh and the oh and uses it appropriately. It's often used as a warning as well. As in "uh oh" and then the water bottle gets thrown across the room. Now I can prepare for such catastrophes.

Today we went to the public market and bought some beatiful daisies. Seven stems for 4 dollars. How can you go wrong? We also picked up some farm fresh eggs, natural beef patties and 6 chocolate chip cookies for the cousins. On the ride home, Henry gets sleepy in the carseat. Anything that's in motion lulls him to a hypnotic state. However, there is one song on the radio that ALWAYS gets him dancing. "Damaged" by Danity Kane. The beat just moves him.

Right now he sleeps soundly in his crib for his afternoon nap. Three hours of bliss for Mama.

Ahhh.

Beachy Keen

He is a sponge. He absorbs everything so quickly that I feel like my brain is sucked dry. There is always something new to learn. Always something new to point to and to give something a name. Is there a better gift to receive than to hear him say "boat" for the first time? To see his little lips curl around his emerging teeth to form the "b" sound. Or to watch him run after the surf and squeal when it comes back to bite at his ankles? He sends to me a new message now. At birth the charge was to protect him and nourish him with all of my being and now it's to delight him with all the world has to offer. The zoo, the library, the ocean, the forest. I think the world was created for children...it's our fault as adults that we grew up. I've been given a second chance.

Finding the focus button

And zoning in on what's really important.  So much more to come.

Daffodil Meadow

Daffodil Meadow is a .7 mile hike through the woods. At about .2 miles I wondered to myself if I was crazy trying to carry a 25lb toddler through the forest on my own with a backpack full of camera equipment. Somehow, we made it there and it was worth the aching shoulders. I might even do it again.

Pinecone Adventure

portraits

I remember sitting in the living room with a very newborn Henry one lonely afternoon, wondering what on Earth I was going to do that day. It's chilling thinking back to how helpless I felt as a new mom, disturbing to think that there were days that seemed hollow when now the days are filled with made up words of joy and high pitched squeals of laughter. So on this particular day I realized that it had been awhile since I took pictures of him and I felt relieved that I had finally thought of a useful activity.

I dressed him up in an adorable outfit and propped him up on the boppy and snapped about 100 pictures with the digital camera. I promptly uploaded them and created captions and sent off the link to friends and relatives. And then I sat back and viewed them more slowly for myself. Post partum depression is an ugly thing. For my first few months with Henry it seemed to suck out my happy energy. I felt like a fat lump of guilt and resentment...anger was the only emotion that seemed to surface. It would rise from my belly and get caught in my throat and stay there until all I could think to do about it was cry.

Sometimes it would take looking at pictures of Henry for my throat lump to melt away. Gosh, he was beautiful! So photogenic! And he's mine, wow! Taking pictures became an addiction. I was looking at my life on the computer much the same I would look at the life of a celebrity. I can't believe how disconnected I was!

But this is not an entry about post partum depression or my journey to get through it. It's about how I am learning to put down the camera. I am learning that some memories will be immortal in my heart and don't always have to be printed and framed for them to be memorable. I've probably wasted more time behind a lens waiting for a first smile, a first laugh, a first anything when I could have been watching with both eyes, and fully present.

I've been slacking

Actually, I've been busy. Busy chasing Henry. He just had his first birthday party and I can't help but constantly reflect on how much he has grown and developed. When I make him laugh I want to explode with happiness and when he reaches for me and says, "Mama" everything else in the world around me dissolves.

Summer is almost here and the days are taking off. I want to drink it all up.

babies are confusing

Before we left Florida I was convinced Henry was departing from the 2 nap a day world. Naptime would go something like this. I feed him. He starts to drift off in my arms. I put him in the crib or other nap-making device. His eyes pop open and he stands and starts to grunt. He poops. He laughs. I cry.

Now that we are back, he acts extremely sleepy two hours after waking up again yet he seems unwillingy to sleep. As a last resort, I placed him in his swing while I got dressed, thinking just MAYBE the rocking would soothe him a little. He yelled, "Ma Ma" as I was pulling on my shirt and I ran to his attention. Nothing reels me in like a good clear "Ma Ma." He was sitting straight up as the swing swirled him around. I braced myself for another napless morning, I just wanted to put on some deodorant first. A minute later I noticed it was quiet. He fell asleep afterall.

Interesting.

walking and talking

simple pleasures

It was his first time in a pool. I imagine for him it was like going in a giant tubby! I loved seeing the pure joy on his face. Pure joy over water...how much more innocent can it get?

Loving the Roundy Round

Which is Henry for carousel.

still fitting together

Not the most flattering image of yours truly but I love it. This is how he (and sometimes, I) naps about 75% of the time. He starts out in the crib and then after about 30 mins he cries and I walk in his room. He is sitting up, eyes closed, his arms outstretched, trusting that I will be there to collect him and make it all better. And I do. As soon as my arms are around him, his body becomes limp and he settles into my curves. I rock in the chair next to his crib with him sound asleep, our hearts beating together like they did while I carried him in the womb. I have no choice but to think, to let myself slip into meditation and go and retreat into the depths of my own mind and heart. What's on the grocery list? Will Obama win Ohio? Is there anything I need at the mall? Should I have Henry try fish tonight? What if he gets sick on vacation? When will we get a house? What will it look like? I'm hungry. It's the only part of the day where we are both still. Still together. Still fitting together.

he's a mover

...and he moves me. Up, down, over here, over there. He's still when he is sleeping. Awake time is for adventure and he wants me right there with him. And well, I am an artist of adventure.

peek-a-boo

He loves his hat he got from his Secret Santa. He wears it almost every day and he likes to let it go over his eyes and then lift it up to do "peek-a-boo." Sometimes he leaves it over his eyes in the carseat...I think it helps him take little naps!

My World is the Right Now

I look at him and wonder how he is so perfect. How did I get it right? Will I ever get it this right again? When he was a little baby I never rocked him to sleep. He wouldn't have it. And now at almost 10 months he hardly sleeps any other way. I hold him in my arms at night until he drifts off and then I lay him down and sneak away for a few hours until he realizes I am gone. I have to steal my "me time" until he calls me back to his side and then we lay together until we are both asleep. Sometimes I watch reruns of Law and Order...he doesn't mind the TV noise as long as he can hear me breathe. Sometimes I hate the enslavement but mostly I love it. Someday he will be the independent one and I will be the clingy mom, wishing he'd once again crave the comfort of my arms.